Yeah. I know. That sort of defies logic doesn’t it? But we’re pretendin’ microphones haven’t been invented yet. Or perhaps you can just think of this as the transcript from a podcast that never happened.
To set the scene: I am the interviewee. My voice, while not terribly unpleasant, sounds way better inside my head that outside of it. Use your imagination. Our interviewer today is one of our dogs – Watson. His voice is rich – a combination of Bobcat Goldthwait, Jim Ignatowski, Kermit the Frog and Yoda. He often lapses into a midwestern twang even though he’s never been further north than Rural Hall nor west of Winston Salem. Our podcast is unscripted, unrehearsed and unfiltered, although in exchange for treats, Watson has promised to lob me a fair number of softballs.
So let’s get started.
Watson: Hi. Hello. Good morning. I’m here with one of my humans, Brent, to produce the first of our podcasts without microphones. (Whispered – It wasn’t my idea. His brain isn’t what it used to be. And it was never that much…)
Me: You know I heard that, right?
Watson: So, Brent, is it time for supper yet?
Me: No, no, it’s not. You just ate breakfast. Nice deflection though.
Watson: Well it never hurts to ask. Okay. What’s your favorite part of this job you do? Whatever is it…
Me: Well, Watson, as a web designer and developer, I enjoy buildin’ things that are easy on the eye and straightforward and intuitive to use. I remember as a kid, when Dad taught me how to build a cabin, we got the wood and nails and stuff…
Watson: Focus Brent!!
Me: Sure. Sorry. Buildin’ things. I love takin’ someone’s idea and creatin’ a mockup that eventually morphs into a website. Or just takin’ what they have, tweakin’ a little here and there and makin’ it better. There are an awful lot of websites out there that need help buddy.
Watson: Can you give us an example?
Me: No. Counsel has informed me I’m already walkin’ on eggshells. Take a few minutes and use The Google – you’ll see what I mean.
Watson: Yeah. No opposing thumbs. And Mom took my internet privileges away. After the Amazon thing with “Alexa, order me 17 Jolly Balls. The big ones…” But I’ve seen some pretty bad stuff when I look over your shoulder, so I’m on board with you.
Me: That wasn’t one of your finer moments was it?
Watson: Hey. I’m asking the questions here, capisce?
Me: My bad. Next question please.
Watson: Okay, what’s the most difficult part of your job?
Me: Wuf. That’s a loaded question. I thought you were gonna lob me softballs…
Watson: Your Honor, please instruct the interviewee to answer the question!
Me: That won’t be necessary Your Honor. I was just messin’ with him. The most difficult part of my job is lettin’ go. Oft times, we come up with a design, implement it, and at the Eleventh Hour, somebody changes my mind about what should or shouldn’t be. Usually because it went to committee. I get too invested in these things and I have a hard time lettin’ go, but I’m learnin’.
Watson: Kinda like me lettin’ go of Bally Ball when it’s time for supper. Is it time for supper yet?
Watson: Gah. So touchy. Let’s talk about spam. How to you feel about spam Brent?
Me: You know I hate it. I rail on about it in my sleep. Remember Henry? But as long as you brought it up, let me tell you about some of my favorites. My favoritest of all time…
Watson: You know that’s not a word, right?
Me: Yes. You make up words all the time. Poetic license. My favoritest of all time just came through a client’s web form. It started like this:
Hello, I hope you’re having a great day. If not, you’re about to lol. If you’re reading this, your website is not secure. I just submitted your contact form on your website very easily using robots pretending to be a lead. You got notified, and you’re probably a little angry about it. Whoever built your website did not build it with security in mind or simply had no idea that this would happen.
Yeah, we did dumbass. Your garbage went straight to spam. The client never saw it. I did. Thanks for the blog fodder though. And the only thing I’m angry about is that you’re so dense as to think that anyone would pay you to prevent spam by sendin’ them spam. Cute concept. Although it utterly defies logic. Hope you’re havin’ a great day. If not, well, lol.
Watson: Yeah. I’m just a little boy and even I wouldn’t buy into that load. Anything else new in the world of spam you’re seeing?
Me: Sadly, yes. This one is a bit more serious. Seems somebody decided to put a new twist on an old scam. The one I wrote of in Spammers, Scammers and Ne’er Do Wells. These mopes used to send out letters via snail mail tellin’ you your domain was about to expire. You can see an example of that letter on our Facebook page by clicking here.
Now, they’re bombardin’ us through contact forms. SSDD, more urgency. As in “Your Domain Will Expire Today!” And the uninitiated will go to the scammer’s website and pay some seemingly nominal amount for absolutely nothin’. There’s not even a promise of a worthless directory listin’. And when you don’t pony up and try to leave, it throws dire warnings about how life as you know is about to get worse. Trust me, it’s not. At least because you didn’t pay somethin’ for nothin’.
Watson: Gah. Peoples are so annoying. What’s the most frustrating part of your job?
Me: Depends on the day buddy.
Watson: Could you be more specific?
Watson: M’kay. Let the record reflect the interviewee is uncooperative. Do you have any questions for me?
Me: Yes. Is it time for supper?
Watson: Hah! Guh one! I have one last question. Who is this Timmy who keeps popping up in your blogs?
Me: That’s for another episode buddy.